YOU GUYS. THIS IS MY ROLLER COASTER. ITS NAME IS NITRO. I MISS IT. WHO WANTS TO GO TO GREAT ADVENTURE WITH ME?

From: Me
Subject: Nerds.
Date: Monday, June 29, 2009 11:54 am
To: Dad

Jet and I were Gchatting about our 4th of July plans:

 Jet: haha
    sounds good
    are u bbqing?
 me: Probably.
    If it's nice and my dad can get a new grill in time.
 Jet: ooo
    give your dad that as a FORTRAN routine:
    IF its nice AND he gets a grill
    THEN we will bbq
    ELSE
    END
    END



From: Dad
Subject: Re: Nerds.
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:10:03 -0400
To: Me

Ugh. Too old a reference. Give it to Jet in C++:

if(its_nice && (my_grill = new(grill))
{
have_bbq();
}

Dad



From: Dad
Subject: 4th
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 2009 10:20 am
To: Me

I'm going to buy a grill and clean the deck. You coming?

Dad



From: Me
Subject: Re: 4th
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 2009 10:42 am
To: Dad

if(no_other_plans && (steph's catsitter = available(catsitter))
{
come_home_for_4th();
}



From: Mom
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Nerds.
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 2009 1:52 pm
To: Dad, Me

I'm feeling very Penny right now.

mom: Isn't it just one of those phrases?
girlboymusic: No. You're a pervert.
mom: Well, that is true. But, where is the fun in life without a little perversion.
mom: Very old reference coming up: Wanna buy a walnetto?
girlboymusic: *dead eyes*
mom: Laugh-In
girlboymusic: *dead eyes*
mom: Goldie Hawn started on it.
girlboymusic: *dead eyes*
mom: Kate Hudson's mom
girlboymusic: *dead eyes*
mom: Hate you
girlboymusic: *dead eyes*

I just got a 30% coupon from Borders that is good both in-store and online, which is a huge deal because it means I can use it to buy anything, not just what they happen to have at the store on my way home from work.

So what, dear Internet, should I buy?

I've had The Perfect Age by Heather Skyler and Strange Piece of Paradise by Terri Jentz on my list of books to buy for a while, but (a) I still have a lot of other things to read, and (b) I'm more in a music-buying mood. I'm thinking maybe Santigold (about time)? Melinda Doolittle? Little Big Town? Miranda Lambert? Q-Tip? For those last three, which albums? Or should I try out someone new altogether? I want summer music -- like, hip-hop, or country, or '70s soul, or '90s R&B. Help me, Internet!

girlboymusic: I love making dinner.
silvermeridian: Yeah?
girlboymusic: YEAH.
girlboymusic: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
silvermeridian: Probably eat all your hard work.
silvermeridian: Without remorse.
girlboymusic: Fuck you.
girlboymusic: I already ate it.
girlboymusic: It was tasty.
silvermeridian: Fuck you, I'll eat your stomach.
girlboymusic: No you wouldn't, because then I'd die, and you wouldn't have anyone to tell you things about Kara DioGuardi.
silvermeridian: I'd just write her a letter.
silvermeridian: On my wonderfully full stomach.
girlboymusic: Um, yeah, I seem to recall her not replying to your last one.
silvermeridian: I don't remember, I was wallowing in despair.
girlboymusic: :D
girlboymusic: That's right, I D-smiled at your despair.
girlboymusic: OH MY GOD, DEMI LOVATO'S TWITTER.
girlboymusic: "ddlovato Okay, so totally was rescued from my boredom by fans! Threw a dance party with like 6 people! So fun!!!! :-)"
girlboymusic: WHY WEREN'T WE OUTSIDE HER HOTEL?
silvermeridian: lmfao
silvermeridian: I was busy living in Nebraska.
silvermeridian: I don't know about you.
girlboymusic: Yeah, well, she's in NYC.
silvermeridian: Well WTF were you doing?
girlboymusic: Eating.
girlboymusic: Oh, speaking of how I live in a much more awesome place than you do...
girlboymusic: Did I mention how THIS YEAR I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO SEE THE MACY'S 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS FROM MY APARTMENT?
silvermeridian: Well, no.
girlboymusic: IT'S PRETTY AWESOME.
girlboymusic: I'M SORRY YOUR LIFE ISN'T AS GREAT AS MINE.
girlboymusic: IT MUST BE REALLY DIFFICULT.
silvermeridian: I mean, sometimes I just don't get out of bed because of your awesome life.
silvermeridian: But I manage to keep on going, you know.
silvermeridian: Maybe my life will get better someday.
girlboymusic: Maybe Kara will finally reply to that letter.
girlboymusic: Until then, I RULE.
silvermeridian: LMFAO.

Got this from furies. Things like this always make me feel so old-school. Like I should wander up to a group of kids, shake my cane at them, and say, "In my day, we didn't just make up 25 random facts about ourselves and post them on our Facebooks! We answered questions! And we did it by eeeee-mail! We didn't have any of this social media whatchamahoozit! You kids don't know how good you have it! Now get off my lawn."

Wearing: One of those black Sinful tees that I bought that crap out of last year, and red plaid, purple floral-trimmed cuffed/cropped pajama pants. With pockets.

Feeling: Bored, but also relaxed. Just finished an assignment at work today, and I have nothing on my plate for tomorrow.

Drinking: Water out of glass with a cartoon chicken on it.

Eating: Spicy sauteed green beans with almonds and sliced bell peppers, over tomato couscous and lentils. And a side of breaded mushrooms.

Cooking: Why would I be cooking and eating at the same time?

Shopping: Nothing, because I really don't need to be spending money. I did just buy a pair of black patent heels from Target, to replace the totally legendary black patent heels from Target that I lost when my office threw out fucking everything I own.

Emailing: Nobody, but my mom just emailed me to tell me that Tom Jones is playing at State Theater in NJ tomorrow.

Working: On nothing. It's nine-fucking-thirty, why would I be working on anything?

Playing: I think it might be my move in Scrabulous. I'm sorry, Lexulous. Whatever.

Knitting: Nothing, because I don't know how.

Reading: Working my way through Stephen Fry in America on the train every morning. I got the paperback version from the UK so it would be easier to carry around. Thanks, Internet, for letting me flout international release dates!

Watching: NewsRadio, all the behind-the-scenes videos on rovedaily.com.au, and I might start on The Big Bang Theory since I'm kind of intrigued by the idea of Sheldon and Penny.

I'm going to spend the next few days replying to all the stray comments sitting in my inbox. So if you receive a reply to a comment you left in, like, 2005, that's why.

If you ever find yourself contemplating writing a novel about an old-fashioned New York neighborhood being slowly transformed by gentrification into a souless stretch of steel and glass artifice, and you need names for the charming urban characters in danger of being pushed out of their lifelong homes by greedy landlords, all you have to do is look at a subway map of Brooklyn and pick any two adjacent streets. Myrtle Willoughby. Kingston Throop. Ralph Kosciusko. Bedford Nostrand. Jefferson DeKalb. Liberty Van Siclen and her husband, Grant Van Siclen. (They're an interracial couple who fought for civil rights in the '60s, obvs.)

Oh, and the intrepid motherless child who helps them in their fight? Crescent "Cressie" Norwood.

(Why, yes, this is the plot of *batteries not included, just featuring an intrepid motherless child instead of adorable spacefaring robots. Why do you ask?)

This is the first Lady GaGa video I ever willingly watched, and for a second I was like, "Wow, that was, like, a total statement on fame, and violence, and the victimization of women, and the media's glorification of all three, and the simultaneous abuse and love that female performers endure at the hands of the public as a result. Maybe she's onto something with that whole 'ART!' thing."

And then I was like, "Wait a minute, I saw Chicago like six years ago."

girlboymusic: Lulz: http://gawker.com/5282504/financial-crisis-forcing-hipsters-to-be-weaned-off-the-parental-teat
nalismo: YES.
nalismo: YES
girlboymusic: LOL RIGHT? "YOU WANT ME TO WORK 8 HOURS?"
girlboymusic: IDK. I mean, I honestly kind of love the hipster grifter for taking money from these people.
girlboymusic: Because they are like a bunch of giant toddling children with no survival skills.
nalismo: i know!
nalismo: i can't wait until it all blows up in their face.
girlboymusic: I have a terrible feeling it never will.
nalismo: no
nalismo: it will.
girlboymusic: They're always gonna be able to fall back on their parents, till eventually all those "internships" and the connections they made there result in them getting a job at some "creative" company run by someone they know -- at which point, they still won't have to work 8 hours, because they'll be in the upper echelons of the company, and money will be pouring in from investors and venture capitalists, and when the company starts to sink they'll just blame it on all the lowly people who actually need jobs, fire them, and whine and cry about it while they take their money and run.
girlboymusic: Only to repeat the cycle with another company and another job.
nalismo: ,;llajsdoiajsd[oAS
girlboymusic: Was that the sound of your spirit slowly dying?
nalismo: yes

So, about ten years ago, I was sitting in my bedroom on a sunny Sunday morning, flipping through the channels, and I ended up watching a short film collection on IFC. And the very last film was just...okay, like, immediately after it aired, I walked out of my bedroom and went, "YOU GUYS WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW. PROMISE ME YOU WILL WATCH THIS THE NEXT TIME IT AIRS."

Of course, it never aired again.

For the longest time, I kept trying to find it. I kept typing possible plot keywords into IMDb. I kept searching for "clown" and "filmstrip" and "John Popper." I kept cruising Blues Traveler websites in the hopes that someone there had heard of it. I found out the title -- "Das Clown" -- and I told everyone I ever met about how I saw it, once upon a time, and never saw it again.

But after a while, I stopped searching. Ever so often, something would remind me of it -- any phrase involving the word "das," for instance. And every so often, I would check its IMDb page, for old time's sake, to see if anyone had any news about it.

And then this morning, while waiting for an episode of Laguna Beach to download, I idly typed "Das Clown" into the URL bar of my Firefox.

AND IT STARTED TAKING ME TO YOUTUBE.

YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS. HERE IT IS.

girlboymusic: DUDE
girlboymusic: I JUST SAW SOMETHING AMAZING
girlboymusic: LOOK WHAT EXISTS: http://i44.tinypic.com/25taquu.jpg
girlboymusic: THIS IS A SCENE FROM IT: http://i41.tinypic.com/28h1onn.gif
nalismo: LMFAO
nalismo: fuck it.
nalismo: we're watching that instead of the dance.
girlboymusic: Um, how about we watch that AND The Dance?
nalismo: good call.
girlboymusic: WHY PUT A LIMIT ON PLEASURE?
nalismo: i know!
nalismo: it's like, kara was singing.
nalismo: but...
nalismo: THEN SHE TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF.
girlboymusic: THEN SHE TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF.
girlboymusic: EStriP.

American Apparel. Is selling a strip of fabric. (Click for fullsize.)

The Eyewitness News anchor introduces a story about something happening on the Upper East Side.

Dad: "I'm going to watch this, since my daughter lives on the Upper East Side."
Me: "I live on the Upper West Side."
Dad: "Of course, it might not be the same part of the Upper East Side."
Me: "I live on the Upper West Side."
Dad: "What?"
Me: "I live on the Upper West Side. I'm not rich."
Dad: "Oh, that's right."

Okay, so, like, American Idol fans who rag on Kara DioGuardi by saying things like "this is the woman who gave us Ashlee Simpson and Lindsay Lohan" and "her songs are derivative and mediocre" and "everything she writes is so full of cliches"? I would just like to remind you that you are a goddamn American Idol fan.

THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN. THANKS FOR EMAILING IT TO ME, MOM.

So, like, IDK, I guess I probably have thoughts about American Idol? But frankly, I am not over the fact that this happened:



Because, like, okay. Back when Kara was first announced as a judge, Brian and I had this whole thing where we were like, "This season is going to end with Kara on stage at the Nokia Theater, covered in silver confetti and the blood of Idols, clutching the keys to a new Ford, screaming, 'It's mine! It's miiiiiiine!"

AND THAT IS BASICALLY WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED. EXCEPT WITH NO CLOTHES ON.

Dave just watched Battlestar, and has some interesting things to say about it over on his blog. (He doesn't understand Admiral Cain like we understand Admiral Cain!)

New All-American Rejects just as good as old All-American Rejects. Why didn't I look into this sooner? 11:41 AM Apr 7th from web

Holy shit, "Poker Face" is actually WORSE than "Just Dance." How is this fucking possible? 12:50 PM Apr 7th from web

I feel like writing "keep your thing in your pants, you heart on your sleeve" on a sheet of notebook paper & pinning it to my bedroom door. 4:00 PM Apr 7th from web

"If I Can't Have You" by Kelly Clarkson: essentially the same song, musically, as "Fly on the Wall" by Miley Cyrus, y/y? 9:56 AM Apr 8th from web

Britney Spears's "Do Somethin'" is really an underrated classic. 11:13 AM Apr 8th from web

Why are unreleased albums always better than the ones that actually come out? 12:10 PM Apr 12th from web

Whoa, old-skool Destiny's Child from @LarryFlick. That started my day off right. 10:17 AM Apr 15th from web

Fun fact: It took two whole people to write "Hoedown Throwdown." 11:11 AM Apr 16th from web

Shit, how do I still not have an MP3 of Eurythmics doing "Life on Mars"? 2:44 PM Apr 16th from web

God, even when Annie Lennox sounds bad, she sounds good. 11:37 PM Apr 16th from web

Wait, does Stacie Orrico still exist? 1:35 PM Apr 20th from web

I have literally no feelings about the Black Eyed Peas. 3:09 PM Apr 20th from web

Wow, okay, just paid attention to the lyrics of "Physical" for the first time. #holyshitthissongisridiculous 10:56 AM Apr 21st from web

Hm. For some reason, I always thought Jars of Clay were Dishwalla. 2:00 PM Apr 22nd from web

AMERICAN IDOLS SINGING LYKKE LI WTF WTF. 9:15 PM Apr 22nd from web

God dammit, I think I like this David Archuleta song. 9:49 PM Apr 22nd from web

Fucking loving the Solange Knowles album. I never should have doubted you, @lexpretend. 5:31 PM Apr 23rd from web

Also, this is fucking perfect weather for Solange. Or Solange is fucking perfect for this weather. Either way. 7:24 PM Apr 23rd from web

It took me like two days to fully comprehend the brilliance of "Would've Been the One." 2:03 PM Apr 24th from web

@cureforbedbugs Sonny with a Chance : Hannah Montana :: Don't Forget : any Miley Cyrus album 11:52 PM Apr 27th from web in reply to cureforbedbugs

Fuck you, Mandy Moore. Fuck you. That is the worst song I have ever heard. 12:42 PM Apr 28th from web

I wish I hadn't blown my 'CrazySexyCool' comparison on Electrik Red, because this Cassie song for real sounds like TLC. 4:38 PM Apr 28th from web

One of The Saturdays sounds a lot like Madonna, but I can't figure out which one. 9:57 AM Apr 29th from web

Dear Daniel Merriweather: We already have a OneRepublic. We don't need another. 3:05 PM Apr 29th from web

I wonder if part of my problem with Cassie is that I'll always see her as "the girl from the Delia's catalog." 6:07 PM Apr 30th from web

MTV Unplugged? VH1 Storytellers? Behind the Music? Lilith Fair? THE '90S ARE FINALLY BACK! 9:35 PM Apr 30th from web

I know I say it all the time, but: when I think about the songs that were hits when I was 11, I feel bad for 11-year-olds today. 3:46 PM May 3rd from web

I like "4 3 2 1," but I can't think of a damn thing to write about it. 4:54 PM May 3rd from web

@cureforbedbugs That's about the extent of my thoughts on it. (That, and it's good sittin'-on-the-curb-in-the-summer music.) 7:02 PM May 3rd from web in reply to cureforbedbugs

Argh, oh my God, go listen to Katy Perry or something, you morons. 11:55 AM May 8th from web

@cureforbedbugs Not prob. Def. Additionally, was trying to sing your "Viva La Vida," and all I could think of was the riff to "Clocks." 2:28 PM May 11th from web in reply to cureforbedbugs

@cureforbedbugs (Despite having had "Viva La Vida" stuck on repeat for a about three days this winter!) 2:28 PM May 11th from web

Wow. "Red Red Wine" is the longest goddamn song in the world. 10:35 AM May 13th from web

( things I have twittered abut music while drunk )

1:49, to be exact.