You know, I cannot even put into words why Jordin Sparks and the general humorlessness of the VMAs bothered me so much. Somebody help me out. I mean, it made Katy Perry's banana-peeling seem positively witty and un-self-conscious in comparison. Something is wrong when you make Katy Perry look witty and un-self-conscious in comparison, America.

(Also, everyone involved in the production of that show should be shot. I only watched for fifteen minutes, and I managed to spot three separate stagehands doing their jobs. You wear black because you're supposed to be invisible, kids.)

PS - You know, everybody's been calling "Keeps Gettin' Better" out for sounding like "Black & Gold" in the intro, but I think it sounds much more like "Radar," plus the VMA performance was like a live-action version of the "Break the Ice" video.