Me: (singing) "Brownieeees."
Mom: (singing slightly higher) "Brownnieeees."
Me: (singing slightly higher than that) "Brownieeees!"
Dad: (belch)

OH MY GOD MY DAD FOUND DAY OF THE TENTACLE!!!!!!!!!

Dad: "Would you like a dried date?"
Pixie: "No, thank you. Wow, those look like something else entirely."
Nia: "Those look like poo."
Pixie: "Yes! That was what I meant by 'something else entirely.'"
Dad: "How about a dried fig?"
Pixie: "Those look like something else entirely, too."
Nia: "Scrotums?"
Pixie: "Oh my God, yes!"

1. What was the best gift you received?
Cupcakes and a tea party.

2. What was the worst gift you received?
Diamond earrings.

3. What gift did you wish for, but never got?
A pony.

4. What was the best present you gave?
I bought my dad an amp ages ago, and never really topped that.

5. What was the worst present you gave?
Nicole Richie.

So my mother and I were in the supermarket, and she kept making me bend down to get a loaf of bread off the bottom shelf so she could look at it, and then bend down to put it back, and then bend down to get another.

Mom: "What about that one down there?"
Me: "Come on already!"
Mom: "This is the last one!"
Me: "I am bending down to get this bread, and when I get up, I am going to punch you in the face."
Little Old Lady Walking By: (sidelong, alarmed glance)
Me: "That lady just totally gave me an alarmed look. What? Obviously, I didn't mean it. I'm not going to punch you...in the face."
Mom: "Of course not."
Me: "I'll punch you somewhere else."
Mom & Me: (in unison) "Where the bruises won't show!"
Mom: "Oh, I've taught you well. You're a good domestic abuser."

So when I read the headline, "Bush: Time to put elections behind us," it totally seemed plausible that this would be a story about Bush outlawing elections.

You wish, buddy.

Speaking of things that suck, the other day I decided to be all healthy and eat breakfast, so I poured myself a big bowl of Kashi Autumn Harvest (mmm, bales of hay! no, seriously! mmm!) and skim milk. And then I left it on the counter for a minute, so by the time I got to eating, it was kind of soggy. (Hay is nothing if not absorbant. And tasty! Neigh!) I was like, "Gee, this tastes kind of weird."

Life lesson: "Gee, this tastes kind of weird" should be your first clue.

Like fifteen minutes later my mom comes into my room like, "Did I hear you make a bowl of cereal?"

Me: "Yeah."
Mom: "The milk is sour."
Me: (looks at empty bowl)
Mom: "Didn't it smell bad to you?"
Me: "All milk smells bad to me."
Mom: "Didn't it taste bad to you?"
Me: "I don't know, it tasted like sugar."
Mom: "You are so stupid."

Because this is like, the second time I've ingested a full serving of sour milk. Just FYI. How was I supposed to know?

My dad is officially cancer-free.

My mom is officially a nerd who made a congratulatory banner on Print Shop and hung it above the closet.

Hey, did you hear about the Amish school shooting? (I swear to God this is not the beginning of a joke. Although the Amish are endlessly entertaining.)

The doorbell rings.

Dog: (barking)
Mom: "That's right, we got a delivery."
Dog: (barking)
Mom: "Thanks for letting me know."
Dog: (barking)
Mom: "You're right, that doorbell wasn't a dead giveaway."

After a long, long day of doing nothing (except eating), we settled down to the backyard barbecue. My dad tried to make room on the grill for yet more meat, then approached the table with a plate of sausages and hot dogs.

Dad: "Okay, we'll have to separate this into food groups. We'll start with the tubular meats."

The News: "Aaron Spelling has died..."
Mom: (pained) "Tori will never work again!"

Mom: "Every time I see Meatloaf, I think of him in The Rocky Horror Picture Show."
Me: "He was in that???"
Mom: "Yeah!"
Me: "Every time I see Meatloaf, I think of him in the Spice Girls movie."
Mom: "He was in that???"
Me: "Yeah!"

I gave my mom a rock for Mother's Day. You probably find this crazy and/or insulting, but we found it hilarious. Best Mother's Day ever.

My summer wardobe has heretofore consisted of faded polos and cropped cargo pants, neither of which are office-appropriate in any way, so I have to shop. (I know. Terrible. Cue Gene Wilder, dispassionately: Stop, don't, come back.) And, dude, what is with Old Navy this season? It's suddenly heavenly. In among all the itchy graphic tees and low-quality pants, there are a ton of empire-waist silk shirts and peasant-y cotton tops and balloon-hem camis and soft cropped cardigans. And JAM!. I saw her there yesterday, which was nowhere near as weird as seeing her in the Bible store, but it still made me remember that I am uncool. We need to hang out.

Man, my Starbuck story is so overdue.

A reprise of lyrically speaking...

nalismo: mmmm. inxs.
girlboymusic: Mmm. Eurythmics.
girlboymusic: Again.
nalismo: my foot hurts.
nalismo: feels like i've been walking on
nalismo: walking on broken glass
girlboymusic: Walking on what, you say?
nalismo: broookeeen glaaaaaaaaaaass [dramatic 80s strings]
girlboymusic: That's so sad. Because you know, you were the sweetest thing that I ever knew.
nalismo: that song she did for the lord of the rings movies makes me cry
girlboymusic: I LOVE THAT.

And later...

nalismo: and naveen andrews? i'll have more of your illegitmate children.
nalismo: god he is smoking hot.
girlboymusic: Mmm
girlboymusic: Those are some nice arms
nalismo signed off at 1:42:12 AM.
nalismo signed on at 1:45:55 AM.
nalismo: heh, he melted my comp
girlboymusic: LOL
nalismo: mmm
nalismo: naveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen
girlboymusic: I like him 'cause he shares my love of the older ladies.
nalismo: ew.
nalismo: no.
nalismo: barbara is TOO OLD.
girlboymusic: Yes she is, but whatever.
nalismo: he needs me.
nalismo: because i like older men.
girlboymusic: OH THE IRONY
nalismo: WHO WILL SATISFY MY ELDERLY DESIRES, HMMM?!
girlboymusic: Any number of professors, I suspect.
nalismo: ugh, no
nalismo: they are not muscular, tanned, and british when a propensity for looking deliciously grungy.
nalismo: and they don't have a badonkadonk.
nalismo: he's got a set of buns on him. WHEW.
girlboymusic: He's not even old.
girlboymusic: How old is he?
nalismo: 36, i think
girlboymusic: Psh.
girlboymusic: Amateur.
nalismo: and no, i know, but compared to me, he's oldER.
nalismo: yeah, he's no lindsey. MMMMMMMMMMM.
girlboymusic: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
girlboymusic: One of my professors was like 70, and I swear to God I would have slept with him.
girlboymusic: If, you know, he was still capable.
nalismo: ewww
girlboymusic: Lindsey.
nalismo: mmmmmmmmmmmmm
nalismo: oh, speaking of ew
nalismo: my mom came home from work all disgusted
girlboymusic: Ew
nalismo: and she's like "its about your stepmom, don't worry about it" because she knows nothing puts fire under my ass like my stepwitch
girlboymusic: LOL for a minute that sounded like some kind of sandwich.
girlboymusic: When we open our burger joint, we should name the worst burger of all the Stepwich.
nalismo: dude, can one of our burgers be aimed at stoner hippies and made of tofu and shit and be called a burger joint?
girlboymusic: LMAO yeah
girlboymusic: It can have pot in it.
nalismo: excellent.
nalismo: yeah, pot seeds instead of sesame seeds.
girlboymusic: LMAO
girlboymusic: Okay, continue your story.
nalismo: oh right
nalismo: i was like "no tell me" and she goes "well i wish i didn't know" apparently these ladies she works with lived in the same neighborhood as Stepwitch and my dad and she said Stepwitch would come over bragging about my dad.
nalismo: in that way.
nalismo: like...sizewise.
nalismo: and they were like "she's filthy, he's an idiot."
nalismo: i'm like "great not only is she an annoying psychopathic bitch, but a nasty slut as well."
girlboymusic: Ewww
nalismo: i know
nalismo: and i'm like "EWWWWWWW ITS MY DAD EWWWWWW"
girlboymusic: That's like that time I found out my dad isn't circumcised.
nalismo: not firsthand i hope
girlboymusic: He was eating a chicken wrap, and he went to peel back the foil, and asked my mom, "Remind you of anything?"
girlboymusic: And my best friend and I gave a resounding, "............................................................."
nalismo: oh...
nalismo: oh dear...
nalismo: i don't think i could ever eat a fajita again
girlboymusic: Yeah man
girlboymusic: OH
nalismo: or anything that peeled back.
girlboymusic: You know what sucks?
nalismo: what?
girlboymusic: Besides my mom.
nalismo: ROFL...awesome.

Battlestar: Oh. My. God. I am so in love with Admiral Cain Roslin.

I am so sad. Yesterday one of the editors had her bag sitting on the floor near the door, and every time I walked by, I'd covet it, because the first time I noticed it I thought: Wow, that's the DKNY Kenya tote. It looks so good in person. I am one of those women who know bags by name. Shame. Shame upon me.

My mother is an enabler. I'm doing so well with the not-buying-what-I-don't-need. I didn't buy a single thing to celebrate the new job, and instead rewarded myself with a day of sloth, and then today at the mall I did not buy a really adorable double-breasted black cardigan that I know I would actually wear to death. Why? Because I already have a black cardigan, and if I'm really meant to have this one, it will go on sale. You see how good I am? And then I go into Nordstrom and try on a pair of Michael Kors flats, and they are adorable and on sale, and still I say, "No. I already have a pair of shoes in this color, and another pair of shoes in a comparable style. I do not need these. Plus, I am fucking broke." So good! Such willpower! And then my mom bought them for me. If they hadn't been on sale, they would be the most expensive shoes in my wardrobe, and they look it, man. They're like, practically as cool as the Michael Kors boots I coveted a season or so ago. Cooler, even, because I can wear them year-round. Thanks, Mom!

Lalanav1: AND IIIIII-EE-IIIIIII-EE-IIIIII
Lalanav1: WILL ALLLLWAYS LOOOVEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Lalanav1: bittersweeet
Lalanav1: meeeemorieeees
Lalanav1: that is all
Lalanav1: I'm taking
Lalanav1: with meeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Lalanav1: Sooo (something something)
girlboymusic: ...
Lalanav1: pleeease don't cru
girlboymusic: Please don't cru.
Lalanav1: LOL.
Lalanav1: It's my party and I'll cru if I want to.
Lalanav1: (ROFL....in my class notes, I have "Are you in trouble, or are you really in trouble?")
Lalanav1: (I love looking at my class notes, because so much of it makes no sense.)
girlboymusic: (LOL. Aw, I miss that.)
Lalanav1: (For some reason, I thought that taking notes on a computer would be different from writing notes in terms of what happens when you start to fall asleep, but no. I can totally tell when I started to drift off in this class, because my notes start to look like this "Say he is indicted for mans.dlaaaaaaaa l")
Lalanav1: LOL....the cop has to reasonably believe what he's asking will elicit an incriminating response. "What's your name?" will not reasonably elicit "I murdered my wife!"
Lalanav1: I totally want to respond that way next time someone asks my name.
girlboymusic: (LMAO.)
girlboymusic: And LMAO
girlboymusic: LMAOs all around
Lalanav1: LOL, right?
Lalanav1: It's kind of like "I hope you have to watch your children fucking die."
Lalanav1: OMG, I want to say that in response to a hello.
Lalanav1: Hee, that's such a mentally diseased response.
Lalanav1: "Hi, I'm Bob! You are..?" "I hope you have to watch your children fucking die."
Lalanav1: LMAO the phrase "mentally diseased" is making me tear up with laughter.
Lalanav1: OMG MAKE ME STOP TALKING
Lalanav1: Tell me something
Lalanav1: anything
Lalanav1: LOL
Lalanav1: I'm losing my mind!
Lalanav1: Friend?
Lalanav1: Fine, let me go crazy.
Lalanav1: Xhore.
Lalanav1: Just don't blame me when I kill 8 pigeons.
Lalanav1: You can blame yourself for that, missy.
Lalanav1: The blood of 8 pigeons will be on YOUR soul!
girlboymusic: Wow, what a time to walk away without typing "brb"
Lalanav1: LOL!
Lalanav1: Yeah...I had a mentally shaky moment there.
Lalanav1: Obviously.
girlboymusic: I see.
Lalanav1: I think I snapped out of it after the pigeon thing.
Lalanav1: I couldn't stop laughing that entire time.
Lalanav1: LOL.
Lalanav1: I actually felt my sanity slipping away, which was odd. LOL.
Lalanav1: Damn law school.
girlboymusic: Indeed!
girlboymusic: Okay, speaking of laughing uncontrollably...
girlboymusic: You know how my dad has that Indiana Jones hat?
Lalanav1: Ya?
girlboymusic: So now every time he walks around with it on, my mom, Mike, and I have taken to humming the Indiana Jones theme song in unison. And I was saying that it would be funny if we got an automatic garage door opener, and one day my dad pulled into the garage and his hat blew off as the door was closing, and he had to roll under the door to get it, right?
Lalanav1: ROFL!
girlboymusic: But then I was imagining it, and I was like, "Yeah, except you know how Indiana Jones throws himself to the ground and executes the roll as he goes? Dad would kind of shuffle and fall over, go "oof" and then stop mid-roll because he hurt his knee, and just lie there on the ground like a knocked-over turtle with his legs in the air."
Lalanav1: LMAO
Lalanav1: LMAO
girlboymusic: And then my mom and I, at the same time, were like, "OMG and it would be one of those garage doors with the automatic stop when it hits anything, so he'd be lying there and the door would come down, hit him, pull back up, come down, hit him, pull back up..."
girlboymusic: And my dad was like, "Okay, are we living in an episode of The Simpsons?"
girlboymusic: The end.
girlboymusic: I'm listening to "Feliz Navidad."
girlboymusic: *slides across the polished floor*
Lalanav1: LOL!
Lalanav1: (I'm imagining you doing that a la Tom Cruise, with sunglasses, and just a button-down shirt and socks.)
girlboymusic: (LMAO)
girlboymusic: *jazz hands*
girlboymusic: ...
girlboymusic: "FELIZ NAVIDAD!"
Lalanav1: ROFL.
Lalanav1: Noooo it's late
Lalanav1: I wanted to watch Love Actually!
Lalanav1: Must put on now!
Lalanav1: LOL
girlboymusic: OMG yeah!
girlboymusic: That happened to me last night.
Lalanav1: Boooo for it getting late!
girlboymusic: I wish we could stop time.
Lalanav1: Me too. (Heh, I just want to let you know that I walked into my bedroom but was going at a high enough speed that when I tried to stop, I slid across the hardwood floor, and then I did jazz hands because I could. LOL.)
girlboymusic: (LMAO yay!!!)

Mom: "These biscuits are good."
Dad: "Yeah!"
Mom: "I still don't taste the dill, though."
Dad: "The dildo?"

Mom: (from bathroom) "So, what's for lunch?"
Me: (from bedroom) "How about some Cajun blackened wall?"
Dad: (from explodey kitchen) "Fuck you."

I hate technology.

I finally read about Sony BMG CDs installing root kits on users' computers. Nice. I like buying CDs, and my grudge against Apple (and their false friendliness) extends to iTunes, but you know what? I will use iTunes. I will not buy CDs as long as the industry is endangering my computer. So good job, music industry! You've effectively driven a loyal consumer away from your products. Now that's protection.

PS - My dad just exploded the kitchen.

We had the best dinner ever. My mom roasted chicken with a country herb rub, I provided the mashed potatoes from scratch, and then we made an apple-cornbread stuffing which was seriously the best thing I've ever eaten. And it was all so pretty, too! Oh, and my dad heated up some corn. Thanks, Dad.

Mom: "That was good."
Me: "Seriously. I want to go vomit, just so I can come back and eat more."
Mom: "A fine idea."
Me: "I figure, if it's good enough for the ancient Romans, it's good enough for me. After this, I'm going to fight a tiger, and maybe crucify a Christian."
Mom: "Please do."

Up next: Boston cream cake.

My mother is an enabler. She bought me a pair of flowered boots for twenty dollars at Payless yesterday. However, I have not bought anything with my own money, so the no-more-purchases-this-summer vow is still technically good. Except, um, the coupon for my next big purchase (the fur is removable!) is only good through September 20th, so I will be buying before the autumnal equinox, but still. I am being a totally responsible shopper about it, and thinking it over, and sacrificing other purchases for the sake of my budget!