I was telling the Pixie about Kara, and Kara's Republican dad, and poli sci, and Mad Doll, and Billboard, and the failed record deals, and then I made her listen to "Crying at the Disco" and "Avalanche" and "Somebody to Love" all in a row.

Lalanav1: Ugh, ugh, it's so much more depressing knowing this stuff.
Lalanav1: GOD.
Lalanav1: LOL.
girlboymusic: YOU SEE.
Lalanav1: I want to slap her, so she stops being depressing. JUST WRITE YOUR OWN SHIT, KARA.
Lalanav1: YOU ARE FINE.
Lalanav1: STOP CRYING AT THE DISCO :-( :-(
girlboymusic: I KNOW! I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!
Lalanav1: Ok, on to "Avalanche."
Lalanav1: AHHHHH THIS SONG
Lalanav1: :-(
Lalanav1: I wonder if she's really conflicted.
girlboymusic: LOL.
girlboymusic: I'm pretty sure she is.
girlboymusic: In many ways.
Lalanav1: Yeah....so sad.
Lalanav1: :-( :-( "I've given up everything I had"
girlboymusic: I KNOW! I KNOWWWWWWW!
Lalanav1: "Somebody to Love" now
Lalanav1: God, she's killing me.
Lalanav1: I hope you know this.
Lalanav1: KILLING ME.
girlboymusic: LOL I AM SO GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND.
girlboymusic: I have inducted you into the club.
Lalanav1: LOL!
Lalanav1: :-( around 2:30 or so when she says "We all want somebody/crave somebody/need somebody to love" all soft :-( :-(
Lalanav1: Stop! Stop! JUST STOP IT, KARA!
girlboymusic: LOL.
girlboymusic: Stop stabbing you in the heart, you mean?
Lalanav1: YES.
girlboymusic: She won't.
Lalanav1: Grr.

( By the way, this is what the Platinum Weird album was going to look like. )

Their continued nonexistence is a fucking travesty.

Lalanav1: BETTER IN TIME
Lalanav1: I DISCOVERED THAT LAST NIGHT
Lalanav1: I LOVE IT
Lalanav1: LOL.
girlboymusic: No you did not!
Lalanav1: Yes?
Lalanav1: LOL
Lalanav1: I did!
girlboymusic: I made you listen to it at least a week ago!
Lalanav1: No, that was "Forgiveness."
girlboymusic: As well as "Forgiveness," which was written by Kara DioGuardi.
Lalanav1: LOL.
girlboymusic: Why did I use her full name there?
girlboymusic: Like you don't know who she is.
Lalanav1: ROFL I have no idea.
girlboymusic: Hey, have I told you about this songwriter I kind of like?
Lalanav1: Hm, no! Tell me more!
girlboymusic: She's pretty great. I bet she'll write a few hits!
Lalanav1: BRB
girlboymusic: ("YOU ADORABLE BASTARD.")
girlboymusic: Haha if I ever have a child out of wedlock...
girlboymusic: Which of course will never happen, because: abortions.
girlboymusic: But if I did...I would totally call it an adorable bastard all the time.
Lalanav1: ROFLMAOOO
Lalanav1: That was the most amazing series of sentences I've ever come back to, ever.
Lalanav1: I want to remember that forever.
girlboymusic: LMAO.
girlboymusic: Me too.
girlboymusic: You should LJ it.
Lalanav1: I think I will.
Lalanav1: LOL.
Lalanav1: I'm going to omit your screenname, though, in case of crazy anti-abortion stalkers.
girlboymusic: Whatevs.
Lalanav1: FINE. I WILL GO TO PRO-LIFE MESSAGE BOARDS AND POST IT.
girlboymusic: How many crazy anti-abortionists read your LJ?
girlboymusic: You know, besides you.
Lalanav1: I don't know, but I get really weird comments sometimes from completely random strangers.
girlboymusic: LOL yeah me too.
girlboymusic: Although lately they're all about Kara.
girlboymusic: DioGuardi.
girlboymusic: That songwriter I was telling you about?
Lalanav1: Ohhhh.
Lalanav1: Right.

Okay, we are actually going to play Guess My Shag Order. So guess my Shag Order for the following bands:

1. Platinum Weird.
2. Fleetwood Mac.
3. Barenaked Ladies.
4. Hanson.
5. I am running out of bands. Spice Girls? Spice Girls.
6. Oh! 'N fucking Sync!

Go, Pixie, go!

girlboymusic: In my head, a lot of the time Kara talks like a lolcat.
silver meridian: ROFL.
silver meridian: Yeah.
silver meridian: can i has gramy nao plz?
girlboymusic: Win!

ETA:


( silver meridian: Oh god. Amazing. )

I decided that I wouldn't do the poptimists year-end poll, like I'm just too cool for year-end-list-making or something, when the truth is I have (a) the memory of a goldfish and (b) such exceptionally bad taste that I don't really want to make it public.

I have 83 songs on my year-end playlist, and I'm pretty sure I forgot some. I have no idea how to narrow it down -- am I picking songs I like ("Soulmate")? Does "like" mean I thought they were catchy ("Hook Me Up"), or interesting ("Potential Break-Up Song"), or that I connected with them ("Irvine")? Am I picking songs that do, conceptually, what I want them to do ("Don't Talk"), or songs that are lyrically boring but musically more enjoyable ("Let's Dance")? Or compromise and choose one that only nearly does both ("Whatever U Like")? Am I picking songs that cause a vehement reaction, even if it's negative ("Paralyzer")? Songs that happened ("Irreplaceable," Lily Allen, "Apologize")?

If everyone in the world has probably already voted for "Umbrella," do I ditch it in favor of a song less likely to get votes ("Good Girl Gone Bad")? Or ditch "Good Girl Gone Bad," which I like more, in favor of "Lemme Get That," which is actually better, especially if Leona Lewis' similarly hurt/menacing "Bleeding Love" is also on the shortlist? Or ditch Rihanna altogether, to make room for someone less likely to get votes (The Cliks, Prima J, Bear McCreary)? If I want to include Blake Lewis, do I include his actual single, "Break Anotha," which is just solid, or his performance of "You Give Love a Bad Name," which did something? Does including "Toy Solider" make up for not including "Piece of Me" (the better Britney song) and Eve's "Tambourine" (the superior mess)? Do I only get one sentimental Kara DioGuardi slot, and if so, do I fill it with "Had It All" (musically just solid, but its very existence is interesting) or "Taking Chances" (probably the song I thought the most about this year, and probably actually a better song, but nowhere near the best Platinum Weird song, so I resent the fuck out of it for even being eligible).

And what do I do about the Annie Lennox album, which barely even existed, as far as the rest of the world is concerned? The track I love to death ("Big Sky") doesn't begin to explain how big a leap this album is, but the track that does ("Ghosts in My Machine") is very Lindsey Buckingham in that you have to listen to it eight or nine times before you realize it's actually a piece of music -- and the compromise between those two things ("Love is Blind") is good and shimmering but doesn't hit as hard, while the one with the best bridge ("Coloured Bedspread") is otherwise kind of blah. Or kind of awesome. I keep changing my mind. And speaking of Lindsey Buckingham, does "Shut Us Down" count if I only really love it live? Can "Whatever U Like" get in on the strength of its video alone? And does "Not Ready to Make Nice" count at all, if it was released mid-2006 but randomly hit the charts in early 2007? What about the fact that the biggest songs of the year, for me, were "If Tha Mood" (2005), "Mad World" (2001), "Can I Kick It?" (1991), and "Personal Jesus" (1989)?

And fuck, I have to put them in order.

girlboymusic: Okay, she rhymes "story" with "glory" every single time.
girlboymusic: Let's buy her a thesaurus.
silver meridian: Yeah, let's teach Kara how to write songs.

Kara DioGuardi, Mitch Allan, and David Hodges just sitting around, unleashing some awesome.

Tell me again how Erin Grace is more interesting than this?

The Christian Science Monitor (...really?) attempts to restore my faith (no pun intended) in Kara's intelligence:

She is a perfectionist who still agonizes, for example, over a single word in Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away." The word "attention" in one line should really be "intention," she says, to fit the song's emotional "thesis."

Whoa! Look at that! That's a whole different song! My mind was just blown!

1. 'Razor' will be released in theaters!

2. The XF movie is probably actually happening!

3. It's a 'Hills' fanvid set to Platinum Weird!

girlboymusic: Was it a Platinum Weird concert?
silver meridian: It wasn't, because I'm not in jail for telling Kara she looks pretty over and over.
girlboymusic: LMAO I had to fight so hard not to do that when I met her.
silver meridian: Does she even know how awesome she is?
girlboymusic: I have no idea. She seemed like, genuinely flattered and also kind of embarrassed when I said her version of "Taking Chances" was better than Celine's.
silver meridian: I was totally unaware that Kara has never heard her own music.
girlboymusic: God she's fabulous.
girlboymusic: Her hair is fabulous!
girlboymusic: Everything about her is fabulous!
silver meridian: And let's not talk about how Kara's hair makes me want to go slay a dragon for her or something.
girlboymusic: ROFL God I love you.
girlboymusic: Oh my God, I am still actually laughing really hard at that.
silver meridian: Man it's ridiculous. The first time I saw the black and white video for Taking Chances, I was in love so bad.
girlboymusic: I really need you to, at some point, say to her, "Your hair makes me want to slay a dragon for you."
silver meridian: I will if I meet her. That'll be the thing I do instead of proposing.

In addition to having a list of Trivial Things to Do Before I Die, I should probably also have a list of Trivial Things to Find Out Before I Die, which would include such burning questions as:

- What those things are next to the Ikea in Elizabeth?
- Which members of Platinum Weird thought Erin Grace was a good idea?
- What was the name of that game show that aired every afternoon on The Family Channel, just before Punky Brewster and The Black Stallion?

But I think I'll end up knocking off Trivial Things to Find Out faster than Trivial Things to Do, because sometimes I read Wikipedia, and my path through Wikipedia usually goes something like this: recent crimes leads to the Stanford prison experiment, which leads to a BBC show that recreated the experiment in an actual prison, which leads to a list of American reality shows, where I finally found out the name of that short-lived show on FOX where they locked people in a bunker and made them write each other's names on ping-pong balls or something, which leads to, like, Kiddie Survivor, which leads to a list of children's game shows. And I thought, oh my God, maybe they will have that game show that aired every afternoon on The Family Channel listed! And all I remembered was the end segment, where kids ran through a dingy-looking set, picking out prizes they wanted, so I read through the whole list looking for anything that sounded familiar. And, lo and behold: I'm Telling! Thank you, Wikipedia! Special bonus: Sean Astin and his brother running around the aforementioned dingy-looking set.

Carol from Southampton is really, really convinced that I should go for an MFA. Her exact words were this: "When you are that talented, you have a responsibility to use it." I felt like Spiderman. I bit my lip hard so I wouldn't laugh at her.

It's not that I don't want to do it, it's that I don't know why I want to do it. Is it because I want to get my MFA? Is it because I want to write? Or is it because it's easy? Because people will tell me how good I am, because I can be precocious, because school is something I know I can do, because getting a job isn't.

When I got out of school and I was panicking about being unemployed, I tried to get another internship at CosmoGIRL. I tanked the interview -- I mean spectacularly, I tanked. There should have been fireworks. And immediately I realized I was just trying to crawl back to a place where I was comfortable, where I thought I had it under control. And it isn't possible, and moreover, it isn't good. You do that, you tank. Spectacularly. Don't try it again. (Felt fucking good, though, after the fact.)

The thing is, I don't want to be in publishing, I'm pretty sure of that. I want to work in studios. I want to work on sets. I want to be backstage. Running the concert at Crash Mansion, man, it was like every neuron firing at once. Sitting on a parade float on the 4th of July, hooking up the sound system, riding on a golf cart with a notepad and three backup tracks in my hand, knowing that it was my job to make sure the show went on and nobody saw the seams -- that was where I belonged. An MFA isn't going to get me any closer to that. I don't know what will, but an MFA won't. (UBC in Vancouver has a television writing program -- maybe that's a start?)

I'm two years out of college and I already have regrets. I should have done the NBC Page program. I should have talked to that guy from News 12. But then, the people I want to be, the people I hang on to, they were late bloomers too. They didn't start doing what they do till they were like thirty. Tina Fey was working at the YMCA. Kara was working at Billboard. Maybe they were thinking about what they should have done.

Kara said this thing once, about how you have to believe in yourself, and if you don't, then pretend. Pretend your talent is as big as your balls, is what she says, and then she says this: "Half the time I didn't believe." So there's that. But for me it's the other way around. I know I can do it, I just don't get the chance. I just don't have the balls to go get the chance. But then, when I do have the balls, it doesn't make a difference. I have to fight to get a paycheck. He turns out to be an abusive douchebag. I'm right back where I started. Is it normal for nothing to work, or is it just me? How many times do I have to do this?

I think we're just in our twenties, is what I said to Steph. I don't think we're screwing up, I think we're just in our twenties. I'd like to be thirty-three now, thank you.

Kara's blogging and posting her versions of other people's songs.

Leave your email address in the comments, or send me a message at girlboymusic[at]gmail[dot]com, and I will help you. Thx.

PS - The only available version of Kara singing "Now You Know" is the one you hear in A Cinderella Story: one verse, one chorus, with the dialogue over it and everything.

girlboymusic: Her hair is just as fabulous in person as it is in pictures.
Lalanav1: Wow, really??
Lalanav1: That's impressive!
girlboymusic: LOL yeah! I actually only spotted her because I was walking down Fifth and was like, "Wow, that chick has gorgeous hai--oh my god!"
Lalanav1: LOL!
Lalanav1: What are the odds!
Lalanav1: Well, I guess pretty good. But still!
Lalanav1: LOL.
girlboymusic: LOL, I know! "What are the odds that I would spot Kara DioGuardi at the exact intersection where Kara DioGuardi was scheduled to be!?"
Lalanav1: ROFL.

Thinking over the Pussycat Dolls, mostly because I have realized that there is a drastic difference between Nicole Scherzinger backed by five (six? four?) anonymous girls, and Nicole Scherzinger backed by zero anonymous girls.

I really want to hate the Pussycat Dolls. I mean, their entire existence is offensive--like, hey, people watch rap videos for the nameless gyrating chicks, so let's just give the nameless gyrating chicks their own videos! Briliant! I hope Jimmy Iovine dies of syphilis! And is condemned to a hell where he has to listen to the sound of his own goddamn voice!

Despite that, there's something appealing about them. There's an inherent girl-power message in their uniting behind Nicole, first of all: women supporting women. None of this Destiny's Child middle school faux-feminist bullshit where you undercut yourself and pretend everyone's equally talented, and nobody steps up as a leader, because women work together! Because they're secretly all self-centered, jealous bitches who can't stand the thought of another woman succeeding! You go, girl!

And then there's the music. Over at poptimists, the songs that come up most often as "totally fucking awesome / what do you mean these girls are setting feminism back nine thousand years?" are quasi-feminist anthems "I Don't Need a Man" and "Beep" (KARA DIOGUARDI, BY THE WAY, I'M JUST SAYING), and that is the beauty of the Pussycat Dolls: in their videos (and their existence as a band, really, what with the interchangeable members) they happily promote the objectification and subjugation of women, but in their music, they talk about the consequences of that objectification, get really fed up, and declare themselves in charge. (See also: the slightly date-rapey "Flirt.") They're kind of a less overt, more sexually-harassed Spice Girls.

Nicole, on the other hand, is completely lacking in lyrical redemption. "Whatever U Like" is so immediately off-putting--first of all, why does every pop 'n' b song have to sound like a car alarm lately, and second of all, the fetishized-Asian automaton delivery on "I do whatever you like, I do whatever you like"--that I turned it off within the first thirty seconds, and wouldn't have watched it if it weren't posted on poptimists with an "OMG WOW." And it's not that interesting now that I've listened through: sex, nonsense, standard hip-hop bragging. (There's something more sinister about her doing it without the Dolls behind her, too--it's one thing to talk dirty and submissive to a stranger with all your friends around, but when you find yourself alone in a room with him, it's another situation entirely.)

But the video. The way she stops in the beginning and waits with unfocused eyes, totally inside her own head. The athleticism when she's shoved inside that box. And then the hot coals, the eye contact, the way she tilts her head, like, "What, this? This is nothing." She's just showing off. You have no idea what she can do. And suddenly the emphasis is on the "can" tossed into that Asian automaton chorus--it's absolutely buried in the song but it's the whole video.

I don't think she's going to sustain this weirdness--her next single is bland, and you already know how I feel about the "power" Kara gave her in "Papi Lover"--but it's interesting that solo Nicole is the exact opposite of the Pussycat Dolls, lyrically problematic but visually empowering. And she's like, exponentially opposite, too--her problematic parts are more problematic, but her empowerment is extreme.

Hilary Duff briefly turns into me here, and spends several paragraphs talking about how great Kara is, even though nobody asked. I can't decide if this makes me hate her more or less.

WW: So the lyrics are pretty much straight from you, and you worked together to make sure the settings were right?

HD: Yeah, yeah. And sometimes I would be like, “This is the point I want to get across, this is how I want to say this – but how am I going to work this words in?” And she helped me with that. That’s what co-writing is all about, you know? You sit down and talk about a subject matter – if I went through something, or some experience. It’s so funny: I would call her and so, “Oh my God! You’ll never believe what happened! We’ve got to write a song about this!” And she sits down and I sit down and it was really interesting because she sent me an e-mail, or like a note, after the record was done. And she was like, “I’m so proud of you.” She really did help me be honest, because sometimes I might be like, “Oh my God, I don’t know if I should say that. It might be too honest or too whatever,” you know? And she would say, “You really need to do this. You really need to do this for you.” So she really gave me the confidence to just open up and not really care. Just be myself… None of the things on the record were original. Every kind of song has been written before. Every feeling that you feel: They’re not original. It’s just your take on things – and everyone’s different. She’s like, “I write music all the time, but it was still great writing with you, because your take’s a little different from mine. It inspires me in a different way.” It was fun. We had a good time. It’s like therapy, you know?

She also talks a bit about how their relationship has evolved.

The most frequently played songs on my MP3 player:

"Taking Chances" - Platinum Weird
"Reality" - Simply Kara
"Will You Be Around" - Platinum Weird
"Crying at the Disco" - Platinum Weird
"Autobiography" - Ashlee Simpson
"Demo (Emotional Crimes)" - Kara DioGuardi & Greg Wells
"Avalanche" - Platinum Weird
"Somebody to Love" - Platinum Weird
"Without You" - Mad Doll
"Now You Know" - Kara DioGuardi
"All My Sorrow" - Platinum Weird
"Same Old" - Mad Doll
"Welcome to My Truth" - Anastacia
"Happiness (Live @ MP3.com)" - Platinum Weird
"Crying at the Disco (Live @ MP3.com)" - Platinum Weird

I can't believe I listen to Anastacia that often.

Lalanav1: Mortal peep fight.
girlboymusic: AH FUCK there's some rumor on the Internet that Celine Dion is covering Platinum Weird's "Taking Chances" on her new CD.
Lalanav1: NO!
Lalanav1: NO!
girlboymusic: I swear to God I am going to hit Kara DioGuardi right in the fucking face.
Lalanav1: I will hold her for you.
girlboymusic: LOL!
Lalanav1: Man, selling your soul to Celine Dion is so completely unnacceptable!
girlboymusic: I feel like the whole Platinum Weird debacle maybe ruined her for good.
girlboymusic: She's the one who pitched a used Lindsay Lohan song to Kelly Clarkson, you know.
Lalanav1: ...
girlboymusic: And she's pitching used Katharine McPhee songs to other people now.
Lalanav1: That is so sad.
girlboymusic: I feel like maybe Platinum Weird broke her heart and now she's doing the songwriter equivalent of living in a ramshackle house with thirty cats, and she wears all her big expensive jewelry and fur coats all the time, even in the summer, and lots of crooked lipstick, and she chases neighborhood kids off her lawn with a garden hose or a butter knife, and everybody just knows her as the crazy old spinster in the fur coat, and like maybe there's some gossip about how she was once a great beauty but somebody broke her heart at the debutante ball and she never was the same, and then one day people are like, "Gee, her house kind of smells bad," and the fire department breaks in and realizes she's been dead for three years.
Lalanav1: ROFLMAO yes.
girlboymusic: And then we all stand on our front lawns by the shifting light of the fire truck, shaking our heads.
girlboymusic: Poor, demented old Miss DioGuardi.
Lalanav1: That crazy old bat.