About 23 minutes ago, every Starbucks on the East Coast closed. It's possible that in about two and a half hours, for about a minute, if it's timed right, every Starbucks in the country will be closed. I don't know why I find this so amazing, but it is totally kind of blowing my mind.

Dad: "Would you like a dried date?"
Pixie: "No, thank you. Wow, those look like something else entirely."
Nia: "Those look like poo."
Pixie: "Yes! That was what I meant by 'something else entirely.'"
Dad: "How about a dried fig?"
Pixie: "Those look like something else entirely, too."
Nia: "Scrotums?"
Pixie: "Oh my God, yes!"

pandora8julie: I have popsicles but that's too much work to eat
girlboymusic: What kind of Popsicles?
pandora8julie: coconut or mango
girlboymusic: That's disgusting.
girlboymusic: That's like, popsicles from when you were trapped on a desert island.
Lalanav1: I didn't even know they made popsicles in horrendous flavors like that.
girlboymusic: I don't know.
girlboymusic: She eats random Whole Foods shit.
Lalanav1: So, next question, then: are these real Popsicles, or are they weird organic fruits mashed up without preservatives and frozen?
girlboymusic: I would assume the latter.
girlboymusic: Notice how I downgraded them from Popsicles to popsicles in the second sentence.
Lalanav1: I did notice that, actually.
pandora8julie: WHORE
pandora8julie: S
girlboymusic: The Pixie is similarly disturbed.
girlboymusic: By your upscale hippie frozen desserts.
pandora8julie: you're so right, though. they're from whole foods!
girlboymusic: I KNEW IT.
pandora8julie: I love them.
girlboymusic: PS - Look up "dessert" on Wikipedia.
pandora8julie: what, you can't give me a link??
girlboymusic: JUST DO IT.

1. Chickpeas.
2. Stephen Fry.

A while back, I bought a pack of Eclipse Lemon Ice gum, and it turned out to be the best gum in the entire universe.

You'd put it in your mouth, and at first it was kind of minty, and then the lemon joined in, and then it became this full-on lemon/mint experience, which was perfect because ever since the Altoid craze of '98 or whatever, "mint" has become a code word for "burns your fucking tongue off and also makes your sinuses hurt," but the lemon flavor kind of tempered the mint, and the mint made it less apparent that "lemon flavor" tastes like Pledge, and behold: a gum that freshened my breath without fucking torturing me, and was also tasty enough that I could chew it for a few hours after lunch. And so Eclipse Lemon Ice became a part of my life. This was back when I was working at Hairstyles of the Rich & Famous, or rather, "working" at Hairstyles of the Rich & Famous, and the highlights of my day were as follows: breakfast, lunch, Eclipse Lemon Ice. If I ran out of Eclipse Lemon Ice, I would go immediately to the deli down the street and buy more Eclipse Lemon Ice. If I had to do a phone interview while I was chewing Eclipse Lemon Ice, I would stick it in the cap of my water bottle until I could go back to chewing Eclipse Lemon Ice. I was like fucking Violet Beauregarde with my Eclipse Lemon Ice. I don't even like gum, but I loved Eclipse Lemon Ice.

And then they stopped selling it. It was still listed on the Wrigley's website and everything, but nobody carried it anymore. I tried various other fruit-plus-mint gums: something by Orbit, that weird Trident leaky gum, but nothing was the same. And then there was this thing called Eclipse Lemon Burst, which was just plain lemon, but you could tell they were trying to trick you into thinking it was Eclipse Lemon Ice, because they used the same yellow-plus-green color scheme.

So finally I wrote to Wrigley's all, "Hey, does Eclipse Lemon Ice still exist?" and they wrote back: "Eclipse Lemon Ice is now known as Eclipse Lemon Burst."

NO. NO. THAT IS NOT TRUE. YOU ARE FUCKING LIARS. ADDITIONALLY, YOU STILL LIST LEMON ICE AS A FLAVOR ON YOUR WEBSITE. WHAT THE HELL?

I miss Eclipse Lemon Ice.

So this was my 4th of July: putting together press kits, being teacher's pet (as always), hummus and sushi, discussing the physics of the parabolic motion required to scoop an adequate amount of dip onto a weakened chip, nearly falling out of a Mercedes while switching seats on the side of the Jersey Turnpike, being handed no fewer than three electronic devices and told to figure them out, being referred to as 'Gadget' for the rest of the trip, wondering (again) what those things are by Ikea in Elizabeth, pretending to sleep through Delaware, sun in my eyes, flowers in the rest stop bathroom, seeing the capital building for the first time, reading a book while my co-worker had a psychotic break on the other side of our hotel room, tapas, chocolate mousse, sleeping in my band t-shirt, hotel breakfast, trying to memorize all the one-way streets in central D.C., riding a golf cart down the center of empty Constitution Avenue, meeting professional float drivers, sitting on the curb in the shade on the side of 7th and doing nothing in particular, Asian tourists taking pictures of firefighters in dress uniform, firefighters in dress uniform taking pictures of Asian tourists, learning how to use the soundboard, putting on sunscreen in the middle of the street, sitting on the edge of our float, just talking, silver and red white and blue everywhere we looked, the balloon handlers, that lady who gave us a bag of ice, the parade, people pulling free CDs out of our hands, running down the middle of Constitution, weaving between bikes with wheels taller than me, looking back at my co-workers and laughing, grabbing more CDs off the back of the float, having more fun than we thought we would, waving to the crowd when we ran out of CDs, the guy handing out water to all the parade performers, singing along, the Cub Scouts carrying our banner, that guy who fucked over our soundboard, all of us panting at the end of the parade route, 19th and a clear view of the Washington Monument, changing in a Denny's parking lot, the waitstaff equivalent of Kenneth the Page, peanut butter pie, pretending to sleep through Delaware again, that quote I love about jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, getting lost on our way into Hightstown, summer rain in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and sleep, finally.

One of my co-workers was listening to a song that mentions Cherry Coke, and now I really want one.

1. Remember the scene with Molly Ringwald putting lipstick on by holding it in her cleavage? Name one really bizarre thing you know how to do. No matter how small.
I don't know. Cry on demand? Is that bizarre?

2. What's your favourite way to pass the time?
Sleep, listen to music, make new Winamp playlists. (PS - Does anybody know of a good MP3 player for Mac that isn't iTunes?)

3. What's your favourite restaurant and why?
Depends on my mood. Maybe the Indian place, just because everything there is so fucking good. The Boat Basin Cafe because it's pretty. Escondido's, Chapter House when it's nice out, the diner for breakfast or late at night. Fusia in Las Vegas because their fried rice is amazing. Spike's when I'm at the beach. Pretty much anyplace that serves food, basically.

4. Which TV/radio show did you like that's not aired any more?
Just one? Salute Your Shorts.

5. if you had a choice of learning another new language, what would you choose? What do you think that reflects about you?
Nicole Richie.

So we go to the Chinese restaurant, and there are these two twelve-year-old girls there, and the one has a band-aid on her face and keeps referring to herself as "R. Kelly." And finally, while we're all in the bathroom, I hear her friend say, "R. Kelly? Who's that?" And Band-Aid Girl is like, "A rapper. Old-school. He used to wear a band-aid on the side of his face."

Old-school? Seriously? And second of all, R. Kelly is not a rapper. Because third of all, I think you mean Nelly.

Kids today.

You said it, Southern neighbor guy. I am barefoot and wearing a dress and eating lemon sorbet straight out of the carton. Can't do that at the office.

H&R Block Guy: "Hello."
Me: "Hi. I need my taxes done, but I'm missing a 1099. Can you still help me?"
H&R Block Guy: "You're missing a 1099. From what, a pension?"

Dude, do I sound like I have a pension? I fucking wish. I'd be in San Francisco right now.

I have absolutely nothing to write about anymore. Yesterday was brilliant, I love cheap plum wine, and everybody wants me. I've given up meat (but not fish) for Lent, and hopefully that will be the beginning of being a vegetarian for life. I'm not going to be a very good vegetarian (at some point I will eat tandoori chicken again), but it's more of a principle thing: I don't want killing an animal to be a normal part of my life anymore.

Some other stuff, courtesy thefridayfive:

1. If you could retroactively erase one TV show from the history of entertainment, which one would you choose?
Let's erase Studio 60 and try it again, this time with a writer who isn't breathtakingly sexist, arrogant, and incapable of writing above the transparent, self-important, self-indulgent level of any fucking first-year fiction student.

2. Are you more like your mother or your father?
Even mix of both.

3. If you could take a year-long vacation, what would you do?
Just wander. Spend some time off the East Coast, see what I find.

4. Can you think of a reason not to answer this question?
Four!

5. What's the nicest thing you've ever done for someone?
Nicole Richie.

There are twelve boxes of Veuve Clicquot by the freight elevator, and I can't even tell anyone because I don't know how to pronounce it. Also: mimosas downstairs. Also: donuts!

As it turns out, mimosas are really tasty. When are we drinking champagne in Central Park, people?

I'm doing my holiday cards this week. If you want one, email me your address.

No mention of the fact that they forgot to post questions last week, courtesy thefridayfive.

1. If you could, would you be a movie star or a rock star? Which one, and why?

Movie star. More interesting, more lucrative, and plus I have no musical talent. (Not that that's stopping Ashlee Simpson.)

2. Have you ever been in the media (TV, radio, papers)?

I am the media.

3. Do you know anyone who's been on a reality TV show?

Not that I know of.

4. Have you ever met anyone famous?

Helen Gurley Brown once told me about her fur coat. Does that count? No? Cobie Smulders? Frank Perdue? That time I saw Hanson at a Barenaked Ladies concert? That time I thought I saw Wolf Blitzer? Oh, wait! I've spoken to Gavin DeGraw twice! I respect him! Also, there was that time when Maroon 5 was cool and Adam Levine sang to us.

5. Who would play you in a movie?

Nicole Richie.

A large box arrives at the office.

S: "Wow, what is that?"
Boss: "I don't know."
S: "Whatever it is, it's a lot of it."
Boss: "Well, as long as it's not full of cookies, we're okay."
S: (opens box)
Boss: "Oh my God, it is full of cookies!"

Or, to be more accurate, it's full of cookies, chocolates, assorted snacky things, and Godiva coffee, courtesy of FilmMagic. Which is how I came to be the proud owner of three packages of Ghirardelli "intense dark" chocolate and...some camembert. I don't know. I like cheese, and camembert is fun to say. Five people just had their way with this box (that sounded dirtier than I intended), and there's still tons left. So if you'd like some English toffee, pickled asparagus, sesame breadsticks, or peppermints, just drop by my office.

Here's a topical rant! Dude, how much did the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade suck? Okay, back in the day, didn't they have some big stars on that? Like I remember 'NSync being on there, back when 'NSync was the biggest pop act in the world. And acts from the big Broadway shows. But this year was like, these super D-list stars, like Cheyenne and The Jonas Brothers (who?) and Darlene Love from some Broadway show nobody's ever heard of. And what was with the floats? They were all rolling commercials. They had barely any themes, or they were just piled with characters from children's TV shows I had never even heard of, like "Tutenstein" and something from Discovery Health Kids Channel. Literally every float and balloon I saw was geared toward toddlers. And not even smart toddlers. On one of the floats, you could see a puppeteer's arm sticking up the puppet's ass. And also the camera work was really bad. Everything was off to the left, or they'd catch a random person wiping their nose. I kind of feel like the parade woke up, went, "Ew, rain," rolled back over, forgot to put on the snooze alarm, and woke up two hours later in a panic, then jumped out of bed, tugged on dirty clothes and one sock, and ran down to Herald Square going, "Shit shit shit!!!"

I'm eating lunch. Peanut butter & jelly sandwich with Krunchers potato chips. The Boss just came to the doorway, stood there silently, and wrote something down while I awkwardly tried to acknowledge her presence and also turn completely away because I had just stuffed a hunk of peanut butter into my mouth. Then she gave me this look which was halfway between a smile and giving up on life, left something on Officemate's desk, and walked away. I...don't know what that was about.

( Things which have happened at work. )

On an unrelated note, I totally just dropped a potato chip down my shirt, and it went between my boobs and landed somewhere on my stomach. Awesome!

I hate when you're eating a salad and you get a piece of lettuce that is, like, full-on shrubbery.

I am considering adopting two mice and naming them Barnabas and Balthazar, because I have always wanted to be a peripheral character in a children's book.

What am I going to be stoked about now that Stranger Than Fiction has come and gone?

- Using the word 'stoked.'
- Kara DioGuardi is in the studio with Britney Spears, Vanessa Hudgens, and Kat McPhee, which means: (a) tons of Kara music on the way, and (b) Britney comeback album! *fist pump*
- The deli down the block has Rutgers-style chicken nuggets at their hot food bar! That makes happiness.
- My awesome cozy sweater, which is part of my awesome cozy outfit.
- I still have five weeks left on my free trial of Us Weekly.
- Before the end of the year, I am going to cross another item off my list of trivial things to do before I die.
- House tonight.
- A renewed interest in creative writing.

So when I read the headline, "Bush: Time to put elections behind us," it totally seemed plausible that this would be a story about Bush outlawing elections.

You wish, buddy.

Speaking of things that suck, the other day I decided to be all healthy and eat breakfast, so I poured myself a big bowl of Kashi Autumn Harvest (mmm, bales of hay! no, seriously! mmm!) and skim milk. And then I left it on the counter for a minute, so by the time I got to eating, it was kind of soggy. (Hay is nothing if not absorbant. And tasty! Neigh!) I was like, "Gee, this tastes kind of weird."

Life lesson: "Gee, this tastes kind of weird" should be your first clue.

Like fifteen minutes later my mom comes into my room like, "Did I hear you make a bowl of cereal?"

Me: "Yeah."
Mom: "The milk is sour."
Me: (looks at empty bowl)
Mom: "Didn't it smell bad to you?"
Me: "All milk smells bad to me."
Mom: "Didn't it taste bad to you?"
Me: "I don't know, it tasted like sugar."
Mom: "You are so stupid."

Because this is like, the second time I've ingested a full serving of sour milk. Just FYI. How was I supposed to know?

A rumbly in my tumbly, courtesy of thefridayfive.

1. What was the last thing that you ate?

I just had a Dannon Light 'n Fit (not Light 'n' Fit, but Light 'n Fit) strawberry banana yogurt. It was okay. My mouth tastes like maltodextrin.

2. Who was the last person you shared a meal with?

My dad, last night. He emailed me the menu from his office cafeteria (I miss the dining hall), and the sandwich of the day was turkey cranberry rustica, so I made him steal one for me. It was not as tasty as expected.

3. What is your favorite all time dish (recipes welcome)?

I have to pick just one? No. Chicken vindaloo, various spicy sushi rolls, pasta with chicken and vegetables, clam chowder and sourdough bread, my mom's homemade chili with cornbread, my mom's homemade sauce, apple-cornbread stuffing, peanut butter and jelly/banana/chocolate/etc. pancakes, Thanksgiving leftover sandwiches, my dad's spaghetti and meatballs, chicken burritos, tuna salad the way I make it. I have no recipes, because that's how we roll.

4. If you could eat one thing for an entire year, what would it be?

'Could'? Don't you mean 'had to'? That would suck, and I'd pick pasta with chicken and vegetables, because you can at least change that up.

5. If you could have dinner with any five people (dead or alive) who would they be?

Who am I currently married to? And do Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart count as one person? Yes, okay, so I would have Eurythmics and Kara DioGuardi on one side of the table, being musical, and then Hugh Laurie and Tina Fey and Lauren Graham on the other side, being hilarious.

I'm eating pumpkin pie for breakfast. Pumpkin is totally good for you!

Question of the day: How does Izzie know Addison's full name?

Further proof that Krispy Kreme is fucking inferior: they have this one doughnut that sits there all round and plump and glazed, so when you go downstairs to wish this guy you've never met a happy birthday because you've heard he has doughnuts, it beckons to you with seemingly jelly-filled innocence, and your mouth starts watering at the thought of sweet, sweet raspberry. And then you get back upstairs with it, and you take a bite, and it's full of this weird sub-Twinkie pastry cream, and you're like, "KRISPY KREEEEEEEEME!"