So you're getting a Friday Five. You know where they come from.

1. If you knew that you had only one day left to live, what would you do for the 24 hours?
I don't know, but now I have that Jem song in my head, thanks.

2. Do you think that life has meaning?
Life's what you make it. Now I have that Hannah Montana song in my head, thanks.

3. What was your favourite childhood toy/object, or some of your favourites?
(Remember childhood according to the United Nations is anywhere from 0-18 years, so this is a fairly broad span of time).
Who died and left the United Nations in charge? I used to have a tiny plastic dog, less than an inch long, named Doggy-Dog. (I was creative.) My parents used to live in fear of me losing him or dropping him down something because I would freak the fuck out if I couldn't find him. This was probably their karmic punishment for allowing a toddler to play with a plastic dog less than an inch long. I think my real dog ate my plastic dog, at some point, and shortly thereafter I got my teddy bear, Teddy. (Told you I was creative.) I still sleep with him next to my pillow, and I bring him with me if I'm going anywhere for longer than two nights. One time, in the Vegas airport, they had to go through my baggage because I had a microscopic scissor in there or something, and the totally cute security dude was like, "OMG you brought your teddy bear with you to Vegas," and I was like, "Yes," and he was like, "You bring him everywhere with you, don't you?" and I was like, "Yes," and he was like, "That is so cute," and we had a moment. I should have made out with him.

4. When you clasp your hands, do you put your right thumb over your left thumb, or your left thumb over your right thumb?
Left over right.

5. If you had to teach the most ignorant person on earth the most difficult thing you have ever learned, how would you go about doing it?
Nicole Richie.

1. What do you see when you are looking out of the window closest to you?
A bunch of windows on the other side of Park Ave.

2. Who was the last person coming into your room?
I don't have a room, I have a cubicle; several of us have been walking in and out with color proofs. During close, like 85% of my job is walking around with large sheets of paper.

3. What is the most predominant colour around you?
Gray.

4. What is right behind you?
About five other fact-checkers.

5. What is on today's calendar sheet?
Nicole Richie.

Got it from here, yadda. You know the drill.

1. Do you ever wonder if the way you see things visually aren't how other people see them?
Yes. (Yes-or-no question! You're terrible at this!)

2. What kind of sounds are the most annoying?
Little ones. Swallowing, chewing, whispering, people standing over your shoulder and breathing, people making out. S used to play Avril Lavigne at volume 11 with the lights on when she was pulling all-nighters, and I'd sleep like a log, but the instant she and Jet started making out and whispering in the dark, I'd be up. Or when my grandmother would start saying her prayers in a whisper on long car rides home, it was all I could do not to hit her in the face with my eight-year-old fist. I remember sitting there with this silent, seething rage, trying as hard as I could to think about music, to imagine a song, to not just fucking scream until I couldn't hear her anymore.

I don't think it's so much to do with the sounds themselves -- they don't bother me, say, at dinner when we're all making eat-y noises, or when we're smushed together on the subway -- as it is the meaning of the noises. Like, there's something so disingenuous and intrusive about all of them. Why are you whispering, why are you making out, why are you just standing there and breathing on me? You are acting as if you want to be private, you don't want to interrupt, but no -- if that was what you wanted, you wouldn't do it with someone else in the room. Within earshot. I want to kill you.

3. When walking through a store, do you shop with your hands by touching/feeling the texture of things?
If it's a clothing store. I don't usually feel my groceries or my DVDs or anything.

4. If you could only smell three scents for the rest of your life, what would they be?
Oranges, the first few drops of summer rain, and the top of my dog's head.

5. What sorts of things do you savor when eating them?
Nicole Richie.

1. What sets you apart from your friends?
Nothing, really. I drink less, but not by choice. I'm an only child.

2. What sets you apart from your family?
I don't really have a thing that I want to do. I could go in a lot of different directions.

3. What sets you apart from your coworkers/fellow students?
I get things done.

4. What is the one thing about you that is most unique?
It's not one thing. It's everything, all together--the place where I grew up, the things that I write, the way I know how the sunlight falls across my backyard, and why I stopped reading Atonement, and a birthday on Tax Day, how I cried after the election, my Polaroids of the sunset, what it feels like when I listen to Fleetwood Mac, and what San Francisco means to me, and I'm the only person who will ever make a Kara DioGuardi fansite, and "Irvine" talks to God the same way I do. Everything.

5. What is your most interesting quality?
Nicole Richie.

1. What was the best gift you received?
Cupcakes and a tea party.

2. What was the worst gift you received?
Diamond earrings.

3. What gift did you wish for, but never got?
A pony.

4. What was the best present you gave?
I bought my dad an amp ages ago, and never really topped that.

5. What was the worst present you gave?
Nicole Richie.

One of my co-workers was listening to a song that mentions Cherry Coke, and now I really want one.

1. Remember the scene with Molly Ringwald putting lipstick on by holding it in her cleavage? Name one really bizarre thing you know how to do. No matter how small.
I don't know. Cry on demand? Is that bizarre?

2. What's your favourite way to pass the time?
Sleep, listen to music, make new Winamp playlists. (PS - Does anybody know of a good MP3 player for Mac that isn't iTunes?)

3. What's your favourite restaurant and why?
Depends on my mood. Maybe the Indian place, just because everything there is so fucking good. The Boat Basin Cafe because it's pretty. Escondido's, Chapter House when it's nice out, the diner for breakfast or late at night. Fusia in Las Vegas because their fried rice is amazing. Spike's when I'm at the beach. Pretty much anyplace that serves food, basically.

4. Which TV/radio show did you like that's not aired any more?
Just one? Salute Your Shorts.

5. if you had a choice of learning another new language, what would you choose? What do you think that reflects about you?
Nicole Richie.

1. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?
No.

2. When you're home alone, do you strip down to get comfortable? Do you ever go out without underwear (bra and/or panties) because it's more comfortable?
Hey, this is two questions. I will walk around without pants when I'm home alone, and also when there are a zillion other people in the house, but I always wear shirts. I never go out without a bra and/or panties, because it's not more comfortable. My breasts don't like traveling, and I don't need a jeans seam all up in my ladyparts, thanks.

3. Have you ever/do you use the bathroom with the door open? Are you comfortable using public facilities?
I always use the bathroom with the door open. I only close it to be polite, because other people are like, "wtf why are you in the bathroom with the door open?" And what is with the double questions? I have no problem with public bathrooms. I've been exposed to more fluids on public transportation.

4. When getting intimate with your significant other, lights on or off?
Depends on the significant other.

5. How comfortable are you with body exposure/nudity of others? Group shower rooms?, topless/nude beaches?, breastfeeding in public?
Nicole Richie.

My life would not be the same without this...

1. Song / TV Show / Book:
"Silver Springs" by Fleetwood Mac / Murphy Brown / Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott.

2. Person:
Friend.

3. Place:
C-Hall.

4. Event:
Getting the CosmoGIRL internship.

5. Self indulgence:
Nicole Richie.

Yadda yadda, thefridayfive.

1. If you had to choose being blind or deaf, what would you choose and why?
I was just thinking about this the other day, and actually every so often I think about this, but the other day was the first time that I actually made a decision. If I had to choose one, I would choose blindness, because I'd rather never see something than never hear music.

2. What is the best smell?
Dunno. Food. Good food.

3. Would you rather be hot or cold?
For a short amount of time, cold. For a long amount of time, hot.

4. What's the worst feeling in the world?
Having to pee bad, maybe.

5. Would you rather have something hurt or something be itchy?
Nicole Richie.

I have absolutely nothing to write about anymore. Yesterday was brilliant, I love cheap plum wine, and everybody wants me. I've given up meat (but not fish) for Lent, and hopefully that will be the beginning of being a vegetarian for life. I'm not going to be a very good vegetarian (at some point I will eat tandoori chicken again), but it's more of a principle thing: I don't want killing an animal to be a normal part of my life anymore.

Some other stuff, courtesy thefridayfive:

1. If you could retroactively erase one TV show from the history of entertainment, which one would you choose?
Let's erase Studio 60 and try it again, this time with a writer who isn't breathtakingly sexist, arrogant, and incapable of writing above the transparent, self-important, self-indulgent level of any fucking first-year fiction student.

2. Are you more like your mother or your father?
Even mix of both.

3. If you could take a year-long vacation, what would you do?
Just wander. Spend some time off the East Coast, see what I find.

4. Can you think of a reason not to answer this question?
Four!

5. What's the nicest thing you've ever done for someone?
Nicole Richie.

From thefridayfive.

1. What do you like most: Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays (and why)?
Fridays. There's this book called The Midnight Hour Encores, which you should read, and on a Friday night, one character says to another: "A week of work is over. But once Saturday morning starts, the clock is ticking on the weekend--it will soon be over, and Monday looms. Friday night is like an extra gift. A free space. A stolen interlude." My favorite times are those times, the ones that aren't attached to anything else--like being the only person up at four in the morning, watching the dark, or standing in a bookstore on a Friday night.

2. What was the best weekend of your life?
I don't know. Every weekend?

3. What weekend of the year is your favorite?
I don't know. Every weekend? Weekends in spring are good, and weekends just before Christmas.

4. Do you have any weekend routines?
Not really. I like going to dinner on Friday nights, and then hanging around a bookstore, and I like having a good breakfast on Sunday morning, but I don't do that every weekend.

5. Describe your ideal Saturday night.
Nicole Richie.

Moral quandaries and fury unleashed, courtesy thefridayfive.

1. Would you rather serve in heaven or rule in hell?
Probably serve in heaven. Submissive, you know. Plus, like, oh, the sexy people of my dreams are feeding me chocolate icing right off the cake, and American Idol is playing 24/7, but I'm gonna go down to hell and preside over the misery, instead. Right!

2. If you had evidence that would catch a killer, but also put you in jail, would you use it?
Why would it put me in jail? That implies that I was involved in the crime in some way, so I must have been on board with the killing, right? Or is it one of those Law & Order crimes where we didn't mean to kill anyone? And the guilt just eats me up until I go running to Jack McCoy and confess? No.

3. If you could work the worst job you have ever had, for three years and then never have to work again, would you or would you rather work the job you always wanted but not be able to retire until well past the age of retirement?
My worst job wasn't that bad, really, so I'd do that.

4. If you could write four newspaper headlines, which would come true, what would they be?
I dunno. Probably one really long headline about how there's peace on earth, poverty is eradicated, nobody's hungry and we can cure all diseases, and magically the population isn't out of hand. Forever! And then like, three more headlines about Britney being sane again, me winning massive amounts of money, and how I've created a harem of hot celebrities.

5. A video of children in Florida fighting, while adults cheer on, was posted on the popular web site MySpace, The popularity of "gang videos" has also increased, and there has been renewed interest in re creating the infamous "Faces of Death" video series, do you feel there should be laws limiting extreme videos?
No. See, now you're in Catharine MacKinnon territory, and I hate you. You don't need laws limiting videos of violent acts, because you already have laws limiting violent acts. IT IS ALREADY ILLEGAL. GOD, FUCK YOU, YOU SEXIST STUPID BITCH. Why isn't she dead yet? Andrea Dworkin is dead. I swear to God, one day I will punch her right in her stupid face. And videotape it. Ha! Also: Florida? Of course.

Notification of how I am dirty, via thefridayfive.

1. How often do you typically take a shower/bath?
Every other day.

2. Do you prefer showering or taking a bath?
Showering. The thing about baths is you have to touch the bathtub, which is disgusting because you're either sitting on the bathmat (and bathmats are always disgusting) or on the bare tub bottom (and there is nothing more slimy and gross than wet porcelain). Showers are warmer and cleaner and more relaxing.

3. What's the longest you've ever gone without a shower/bath?
A week or so.

4. What's your favorite personal hygiene product?
Face wash.

5. Do you shave your legs and/or beard? If so how often?
I shave my legs, but not my beard. In the summer, I shave about once a week, or once every two weeks if it's cool enough to wear jeans all the time. In the winter, I shave whenever my legs get itchy, or when I want to put on lotion.

God, I really fucking love Lily Allen. I'm so late to this party.

( Friday F...ucking Lot. Like four weeks' worth. )

Lazily cobbled together by thefridayfive. Every week they ask us to suggest new questions, and every week I want to post five questions like, "Isn't it awesome how The Friday Five forgets to post questions, then promises to do it later, then never does?" and "Do you ever wonder how hard can it fucking be to post five questions once a week?"

1. Favorite cereal and why?

Cracklin' Oat Bran, because it sounds like it's going to be awful, and it looks like it's going to be awful, but secretly it's just oatmeal cookies! And also there's like this secret club of cool people who know how awesome Cracklin' Oat Bran is, and will travel to two or three different supermarkets in search of a box, because Cracklin' Oat Bran sometimes just disappears from your life for months at a time.

2. What is the best thing about summer?

What? It's January. Nothing. Summer sucks. You know what's awesome? Standing around in a five-thousand-degree subway tunnel. Not.

3. Would you rather have a slurpee or a milkshake?

Ew. Milkshake. Slurpees are disgusting.

4. If you could be a member of any band/musical group, past or present, what band would it be and why?

I don't know. I mean, the whole thing about my favorite bands is that I love them as a band. Eurythmics is Dave and Annie--the whole point of Eurythmics is their relationship and how weird it is. Fleetwood Mac is the five people who made the Rumours album. Like, I don't even really like Christine McVie, she's boring, she's not Stevie Nicks, and yet I didn't care about anything Fleetwood Mac did without her because Fleetwood Mac is about Christine being clear and piano-y, up against the chaos that is Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks, and about how John McVie barely even exists, and yet you understand why everyone loves him, because his bass is so solid and warm. And like it or not, Fleetwood Mac is about Mick Fleetwood pushing everything forward, being a total dick and playing ahead of the beat. The way they sing and play is so tied to who they are, as people, that you can't just get another bass player or another guitarist, because another bass player will play the notes but not the shyness, and another guitarist will play the notes but not the anger and the insecurity and the need to show Stevie who's boss. Which is a really long way of saying that I wouldn't want to join any of my favorite bands, really. Maybe 'NSync.

5. Who is your idol? What are they famous for?

I think from now on I'm just going to answer question 5 with "Nicole Richie," no matter what it's actually asking. Nicole Richie. Nothing.

I had planned to write a long, thoughtful entry about the things I am trying to change about myself (and also to reply to furies and make plans for meat) during my lunch break, but I have so much work it is ridiculous, and I have it for reasons which are ridiculous. So that will have to wait.

In the meantime, a brief respite from things which suck, courtesy thefridayfive.

1. Who was your first crush (celebrity or average)?

Oh man, I don't even know anymore. I think my first crush, ever, was on Kate from Kate & Allie. And if I have a type, she's the closest thing to it.

2. Who do you currently have a crush on now?

Name a celebrity.

3. Have you ever become so obsessed with a crush, you went to extreme measures to find out everything about him/her?

I have never, ever entered someone's name into a Nexis public records search.

4. Has your crush ever turned out to be your future girlfriend/boyfriend?

Actually, in a way? Yes.

5. Did a best friend ever turn into more than just a friend?

*glances suggestively at the Pixie*

Another entry featuring bold text, courtesy thefridayfive.

1. What are you most thankful for?

Everything.

2. Think back one year, have the things you are thankful for changed?

Nope.

3. What did you feast on yesterday?

Turkey, sweet potato, apple cornbread stuffing, a roll, pumpkin soup, cranberry sauce and the best mashed potatoes I've ever made. And beforehand we had some little crabcakes that my mom made, crackers, cheddar, herb cheese dip, and some sort of crumbly cheese with cranberries in it which was totally awesome. And then for dessert, pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and a chocolate cherry brownie.

4. This time of year is filled with parties, gifts, friends, and family, what are you looking forward to the most?

Decorations, music, cold weather, the Pixie, happy fun times.

5. Christmas is coming up, what if anything do you want for it?

Stuff.

BONUS: How do you like to cook your turkey?

Is this supposed to make up for last week? I don't.

Due to a clerical error on the part of thefridayfive, I have no questions to answer. Ask me any five things! I will tell you anything!

Learn how to stalk me, courtesy thefridayfive.

1. If you had to move 100 miles or more to the north, east, west, or south, which would you choose, where would you end up, and what's so great about there?

100? 100 miles north overshoots NYC by about 50, 100 east probably lands me in the Atlantic Ocean, and I have no idea what’s 100 miles to the west or south of me, because nobody cares about the West or the South. So I guess I’d just move 100 miles north and be…upstate?

ETA: Pixie pointed out that I am illiterate and the question says "100 miles or more," so I can go west to San Francisco. I think I pick east to London, though, because: public transportation! And seasons! But bad food. Sigh.

2. Do you have a favorite stretch of highway or byway for driving, touring, or wandering?

I like the drive down Wemrock Road and onto…Throckmorton, I think it is? You go through the orchards and make a left at the cream soda bridge. It’s one of the last little patches of rural landscape around here, and I love it, especially in the wintertime when it’s all brown and gray against the blue sky. After you make the left at the bridge, if you look up the roadside bank there’s this section of log fence which serves no purpose—it’s like, two sections of fence in the middle of an open field, connected to absolutely nothing on either side—and behind it are three towering trees which, when they’re bare, their silhouettes follow each other so they look like they’re just one big tree split into three pieces. I love them.

3. Are you happier to start a trip or return home?

Start a trip. Not that I hate home, but on the way back, I’m just tired and I have to unpack and that’s no fun.

4. Plane, train, automobile, bicycle, or foot?

Train. It’s genetic.

5. Do you overplan or underplan your travels? (Assume that "no" is not a valid answer.)

What does that even mean? How do you overplan? Or underplan? I think I just…plan. I make sure I have, like, clothing and a place to stay and a general knowledge of my route and departure times. Are there people who plan more than that? People who plan less than that, I would think, are not so much traveling as homeless.